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Tango is more than just an exciting hobby—it’s a dance that connects its enthusiasts to deep emotions and remarkable experiences. However, this exhilarating journey also comes with a dark side. Because tango is inherently a relational dance, the learning process and the ambiance of the milonga can bring up significant fears and anxieties. While some dancers struggle with these issues more than others, most have encountered situations that evoke deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, exclusion, frustration, criticism, jealousy, disappointment, and even invisibility.
Trust me, even dancers who appear confident and popular are not immune to these negative emotions.
If you find these feelings frequently emerging during your tango journey, here are a few key points to help you manage the anxiety and fear that might be keeping you from fully enjoying your dancing experience.
1. It’s Almost Never About You
Remember, everyone has their own struggles, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Whatever others say or do is more a reflection of their own experiences than it is about you. Don’t fall into the trap of assuming they think the worst of you, or that it says anything about your worth, skill level, or personality. Maintain your dignity and move forward.
2. It’s Almost Always About You
While this might sound contradictory, there’s a silver lining. The feelings, thoughts, or reactions you have to someone else’s behavior reveal more about you than them. The good news is that you have the power to choose how you respond and where to focus your energy. You can decide to understand, heal, and transform these negative feelings. Use this awareness to build self-confidence and steer toward people and experiences that truly uplift you.
3. There Are No Snobs in Tango
Instead, there are just people making different choices than you would prefer. Everyone, including you, has the right to choose who they dance with and how they spend their time. No one owes anyone a dance. There are so many wonderful people in the tango community, and you might miss connecting with them if you focus too much on those who seem to ignore or reject you. Stop trying to change others, and you’ll begin to notice the kind, open people who want to interact and dance with you.
4. Rejection Is Just Redirection
No one enjoys rejection, but if there’s ever a place to learn not to take it personally—and to become a graceful rejector yourself—it’s in tango! Apply the points above, and you’ll be well on your way to managing the negative feelings associated with rejection. Learn to use the "cabeceo" (a discreet invitation to dance) to soften the sting of rejection. Also, adjust your focus and seek out different people to dance with. Just like at a party, you won’t talk to everyone—why should a milonga be any different?
5. Tomorrow Is Another Day
Sometimes, it’s just not your night. You might not be getting dances, or the ones you do get might feel awkward. Instead of blaming or criticizing yourself or others, remember that everyone has off nights. There’s always another chance tomorrow, and the day after that. Clear your slate, realign yourself, and get back out there!
6. Skill Does Not Equal Worth
Your skill level—or what others think of it—is not a reflection of your worth as a person. Skill develops with time, patience, and perseverance. Try to accept where you are today, keep practicing, and trust that improvement will come. Remember, being the best dancer is not the only goal. Navigating the social aspects of tango is just as important for a fulfilling dance experience. If you're struggling with self-worth, focus on healing the beliefs and behaviors that make you feel inadequate, rather than your dance skills.
7. It’s Not Always Bad
Celebrate your progress and successes, no matter how small they may seem. Most people tend to focus on the negative, but paying attention to small achievements—whether in your dancing or the social aspects—can help you feel more calm and grounded. This mindset will help you navigate the highs and lows that are part of the tango experience.
8. Mindfulness Is Your Best Friend
Practicing mindfulness can help you stay grounded and bring yourself back into alignment when anxiety starts to rise. Mindfulness is a powerful tool that can increase awareness of your emotions, helping to reduce their intensity so you can choose responses and behaviors that support your well-being. The atmosphere of the milonga can trigger many feelings, but mindfulness allows you to remain in control of your experience.
9. Never Underestimate the Presence of a Trusted Friend
If possible, go to a milonga or tango class with a trusted friend. Having someone around for moral support can make a big difference. A quick conversation about what just happened or what you're feeling can help defuse strong emotions in the moment. Your friend can help you laugh it off, encourage you to keep trying, or suggest a new approach. If you don't have any close friends who share your passion for dancing, consider cultivating closer friendships with people who attend the same classes and milongas.
There is so much more to say about the role of anxiety and fear in tango, but these tips are a great starting point if you're looking for ways to manage the darker aspects of this hobby. Feeling confident, competent, and accepted in tango is a long process with no set timeline. So, avoid comparing yourself to others and give yourself credit for doing your best.
Feel free to share any fears or anxieties you struggle with in your tango journey in the comments below or ask questions about any of these tips. And if you’ve been considering a tango trip to Buenos Aires but aren't sure if it's the right time or how to go about it, I’d be delighted to have you join my upcoming Buenos Aires Tango Retreat. It's designed to help you improve your dancing and navigate the tango scene in Buenos Aires with personalized guidance and a small, fun group of fellow dancers.
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